Tuesday, November 16, 2010

the horny bicycle

          Hindi ako sigurado kung kelan ko unang naramdaman at naintindihan ang ganitong sekswalidad n meron ako ngayon.

          Pero naisip ko maaga kong  nagsimulang mamulat sa mga mga bagay na nagbibigay kahulugan sa aking pagkatao. Ako ay isang lalaking nagkakagusto sa kapwa lalaki. Matatawag akong bakla o bading pero hindi ako katulad ng iba na pumipilantik ang daliri. Porma at astang lalaki pa din ako. Siguro tatawagin niyo akong  paminta, pero ganito ako, very discreet and I am not yelling on the street about my sexuality. I am scared. What people will say matters to me. 

          Lalaki ako, biologically, yes you know and I know. Pero  attracted ako sa kapwa ko lalaki. Naalala ko at some point nung bata ako nararamdaman kong anlakas ng magnet ng mga lalaki sa akin. Parang gusto ko silang yakapin, amuyin at tikman hahaha. Ewan ko ba kung simpleng libog ang tawag dun or admiration na may libog hehehe. 

         There were things in my childhood and in the process of growing up that had somehow shaped my sexuality or should we say unravel my predefined sexuality.

          Sobrang vivid pa nung bata ako, sa bahay ng tito ko,  ito yung mga unang pagkakataon na naramdaman ko ang libog and yet seem to have a definition on me. Nanunuod kmi ng TV ng pinsan ko named Jay [mas matanda sa akin ng mga 4-5 yrs], bigla syang dumapa sa sofa and he asked me to massage him. Funny thing, he wanted me to stand on his back with my bare feet.  Tapos tatapak-tapakan ko, hahaha. Then sabi niya dun daw sa puwetan nya ako tumapat and so I did. Parang nasasatisfy ang mokong.  Dahan dahan kong ipriness yung dalawa kong paa. Pagkatapos nun sabi niya hawakan ko daw, and so ako naman masunurin hinawakan ko.  Hahaha, tpos nilamas ko nga, anlambot… parang ayaw kong pakawalan.  Parang nag-init ang hininga ko, parang lalagnatin ako sa naramdaman ko. “kilitiin mo” aniya sa akin, ndi ko alam kung ano ang ibig nyang ipagawa. Pero mukhang by instinct, itinapat ko ang index finger ko sa butas ng puwet  niya [take note, nakashortpants pa din siya xempre, hehe. ] at parang uod, iginalaw-galaw ko ang finger ko. Naku sarap na sarap siya. Ako din parang nag-enjoy at para bang gusto kong gawin ulit to sa ibang lalaki. But then ndi ko na matandaan ang mga sumunod na nangyari. 

          Eto pa, may kalaro ako from the neighborhood, anak ng kumare ng nanay ko.  We were playing soldier figure toys. My mom and her sister were doing the laundry I think.  Then this kalaro of mine named Jun-Jun out of random said “I want to have sex” in Ilocano. Then he glided the toy on his cock. “ikaw din gawin mo to” he said. Ako nga naman masunurin [hehe],  ginawa ko din. Then we hid ourselves under the long wooden chair. Ayun, we positioned ourselves like fuckin the toys. Nakakatawa talaga yung moment na yun. But I remember the feeling that I had during that time, nasasarapan ako sa bawat pag-glide ko sa toy and knowing may kasabay ako sa act na iyon.

          Pero eto ang nkakatrauma at nakahiya na nangyari sa akin with Jun-jun. naglalaro kmi sa frontyard ni jun-jun tapos nag-aya sya “mag-iyyot ” daw kame. Pumunta kami sa gilid ng house namin. We weren’t very alert of the surroundings then and of the consequence that we were bound to face. Umihi muna kami sa pader, then pinaharap ko sya sa saradong bintana namin, ibinaba namin ang mga suot  na shorts tpos idinikit ko ang menor de edad kong alaga sa puwet niya. Syempre hindi ko alam n pwede pa lang ipasok yun sa loob. Pero enjoy kami pareho, ansarap, parang sasabog ang alaga ko sa naiipong kasarapan. And here is the shocking part, nahuli kami ng tita ko at tinawag niya ang nanay ko. Sobrang nangangatog talaga ang tuhod ko nun and sobrang shocked and denial ako. Galit n galit ang nanay ko. Pero hindi ko naiintindihan ang mga nangyayari. Simula nun, naisip ko may mali talaga sa pagkatao ko. Ngayon, si Jun-jun straight naman siya at may GF but on my instinct, puno din sya ng kalibugan hehehe.

          Nang mag-elementarya ako, siguro Grade 4 ako nung mas sumidhi ang pagkagusto ko sa kapwa lalaki. May mga classmate n din akong natitipuhan ko na matatwag kong crush. Hindi ko nun maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko pag iniisip ko sila. Para bang nilalamon ako sa loob ng dibdib ko ng kagustuhan kong madama sila, mayapos sila at angkinin sila.

          It came to the point na nagkakagusto na din ako sa girls. I remember nung grade 5 ako, naging crush ko yung girl na hinahangaan ng lahat kasi matalino at laging 1st honor sa klase. Her name is Rhian. Isama mo n rin yung isa pang pretty classmate ko na si Grace. Alala ko pa, sila ang inimagine ko habang nagjajakol . 

          Speaking of pagjajakol, this I learned from my classmates and later on explored out of prevailing curiosity. Nag-uusap kasi mga boys na classmate ko one afternoon during a break under the shade of a building near school. I was asking many questions then, pero I got real answers then when I tried it myself. Yung unang pagputok ng tamod ko was really unforgettable. Iba talaga pkiramdam nun, yung tipong sa bilis ng kamay at higpit ng hawak, mararating mo ang langit. I don’t know if this is true to every masturbating male. Naalala ko kasi nung lalabas na yung clear na tamod, it was a ticklish sensation that I had to put my inner thighs close to each other. And then there came addiction, and sino ba ang hindi maaaddict sa sarap ng pagjajakol?  Hehhehe.

          As I grew, I masturbate with the thoughts of men, more more men. Every time I do it, I think of cute boys I meet and see in the streets. I was attracted with cute boys, yung mga mapuputi, malinis tingnan. Iniimagine ko sucking their cock and even taking it in my ass. It just started that I never imagine girls in my masturbation anymore.

          Came high-school, i was really getting to know my sexuality but I am not proud of it coz I know it would strip off my dignity once exposed. Some people get hints and murmurs but I’m a one piece denial. But then again I fell in love with a girl named Gee which was my classmate. It really occurred to me that I kinda liked/loved her.  I just felt that I wanted to be close to her. And so we became “us” but only for a month,. Don’t ask why she was complicated. Hahaha 

          When I stepped in to college, I get a clearer view of myself of who I really am. I explored so many things in my sexuality. Yes I know I am a male hormone that attracts and get attracted to the same male hormone. I like boys, yes that’s a fact. But I am not girly in my actions.  I look and act straight, but that’s me. Please don’t get me wrong. I may not represent you but there is one thing common in us, WE LIKE MALE HORMONES! :)

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